So Far

I had a dream the other night that this song was playing on a device in my bag, Tom's voice emerging from its depths.

No Words

No words big enough
No cry loud enough
No arms wide enough
No kick hard enough
No tears wet enough
No sleep deep enough
No night long enough
No sound sad enough
No shiver full enough
No mind vast enough
No place near enough
No memory clear enough
No heart open enough

Words

An evening at the end of June. Cool. Drizzle falls outside, fine and steady as it has much of the day. The elder flowers shine in the dull light, like tiny moons, or saucers, or hands open to the sky.

Down in London, Wimbledon's first week draws to a damp close, and I think of all the years when I spent a day or two of the fortnight watching it on tv with my Mum, in her home, or my home. Her acerbic comments about the players, the commentators. Our feasting on cherries.

Six months now G has been gone. Still full of love and grief, I am called by this tragedy to open to the depths of myself, to become new. I search for language for the experiences I am having of pain, disintegration and mourning, of tenderness and sorrow. The old words, the old narratives will not serve. I am alive. I cry. I am afraid. I am excited. I am overwhelmed. I get up every day and learn what I can about this vulnerable being, this strong being that is me. I learn little by little what she needs.

Resigned

I have! My employer has been kind, and will continue to pay me until the end of the month, but has waived the lengthy notice period normally required. I sent the letter on Monday, and it has been a gradual process, but I begin to feel the relief, a lightening of the load.

The allotment is a joy. I picked the first two strawberries yesterday and there are many more coming, both there and in our garden, as well as a bumper crop of gooseberries ripening. The potatoes will be ready in a week or two - all Charlotte this year. Two courgette plants surviving so far. Beetroot, swiss chard, calabrese and peas coming along nicely. Oh and broad beans. Up here, in our raised beds we have rocket, mizuna, mibuna, mustard greens, radishes and several kinds of lettuce. More potatoes in bags, and raspberries which may or may not yield a crop - hard to tell at this point.

The foals are growing up fast. They don't pose for photographs and keep being moved from field to field so photographing them has been something of a challenge.

I have no idea why Blogger has decided to blow these pictures up so big....

Adjourned

So, the trial has been postponed, or perhaps the correct term is adjourned until at least August. Some new evidence was apparently brought to the court on Wednesday. I have no details. I am told this sort of thing happens all the time. I had a very bad week last week, but feeling a lot easier now in myself. I just feel for G's partner and family having to endure more limbo, more waiting, more anguish. I have been sending them all the loving kindness I can muster.

For me, yes, some sense of easing, of greater gentleness inside.

Wordless For G

Aftershock

We always knew that in time there would be a trial. Somehow it had begun to seem almost as though it was never actually going to happen. But it is, and it starts tomorrow. Body and mind are experiencing powerful aftershocks.

My thoughts are with G's partner, daughter, and grandchildren tonight.