Out

We made it out early evening for a meal and wine in Nelson's our local wine bar. Mexican pancakes, tongue-burningly hot and took about half an hour to arrive, but nonetheless there was pleasure in the familiar wooden-floored basement, friendly bar staff and reliable wine and veggie food. It was in fact the first time we'd been there since it reopened after being massively damaged in the 2012 flooding. More shocking to realise this was the first time I'd been out in the evening since G died apart from two weeks ago to the pub up the road, and a few weeks before that to a friend's party, which at first so overwhelmed me I thought I'd have to turn straight round and leave, but actually managed a couple of hours, a drink, a chat a little dance... Oh yes, I did also go to the pictures once... What is so disconcerting is to realise that is more than three months of barely going out in the evening, and it has not even occurred to me to notice. Going back to work has been such a major undertaking in the realms of being 'back in circulation'. Time is just so strange this year. And there we were in Nelson's considering our summer holiday options. I can still only barely comprehend that we are out of December, out of winter, into the third month of the year. It is hard to explain. Part of me still sitting on the sofa hearing the news of G's death, looking at the rug I grew up with that we had just brought back here from my mother's. Now I look at it every day and grow more used to it being here, more used to the way the days keep passing, keep taking me further and further from the last time I saw G.