Saturday, 23 August 2014
Wobbly
I click 'new post' because I'm sure there's something I want to say. What can I say about the effects of trauma? What can I say without sharing details I don't want to put up here? About how things play over and over in your mind. About how the present trauma evokes the 26 year old one of my father's death. I can tell you about going into Manchester - a fairly simple trip, about forty minutes on a train, about fifteen on a tram - and feeling just wobbly; wobbled by inadvertently buying the wrong ticket, wobbled by the train being late, wobbled by all the people, and their faces and their voices, their number, their energy. Wobbled by my supervisor not opening the door until the third ring. All ready to cry at any moment, and jelly-legged once again. And sometimes waking up in the night and not being able to find my place in my own mind. Can I explain that? Not knowing what to think about, what I am thinking about, what I was last thinking about. How to be in this mind. Using all the relaxation techniques I know to stop thinking and just let be, and eventually soothing myself enough to sleep again. And the lure of alcohol when it is so hard to manage the fearfulness, the sense of danger even when you know there is no present danger. I who know so well the dead end of alcohol but keep heading off down it, longing for some kind of peace. Peace sometimes available at the allotment, sometimes on walks amongst the beautifully blooming heather, sometimes not.
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3 comments:
There was a time when I experienced great physical pain and with it came a lot of anxiety. I eventually found my way out but sometimes when I hear music resembling the intro to the relaxation cd I used to listen to, it all comes back briefly, like an ugly shudder.
Many times I would have loved to just mix a hot whiskey or any other drink to send me off into an easier whatever. I never did but that's due to my mother's addiction and the meds I have to take.
I would like to tell you that we are all different and that one person's danger may be another person's relief, but we all have our own demons and fears.
What I can recommend is passion flower extract. Plus valerian. as highly concentrated as you can get, preferably in tablet form, not tea. I know, trifling herbal rubbish. But give it a go.
Stay with it, always, always be good to yourself. Time heals all wounds. It does.
I'm so sorry to read of this distressing time.
Thank you both
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