Stomping up the lane after throwing the dead daffodils on the compost heap. It's windier than I thought and the lane is having one of its extra steep days. I feel cross with the wind as I emerge at the top of the lane, and turn left onto the wet and muddy path. I am cross with the mud which is slippery, messy and inconvenient as hell, despite my wellies. And cross to find a dog running up behind me, its collar tag clinking, a young woman following, who smiles as I turn enquiringly to see whose dog it is. It looks like George, L the joiner's dog, so maybe this is his daughter? I am cross to feel this dog following me. I'm not good with a feeling of someone behind me. Nothing feels right.
Something about my clinical supervision session this morning didn't feel right and has left me feeling uneasy, and, well... cross, angry, fed up, upset. I think maybe she isn't after all the right supervisor for me. It's a challenge to have to start looking for someone suitable again, to move on after nine months, but I need to trust my instincts. I don't come away feeling supported, enriched, challenged. I am feeling so much better about myself and about the prospect of more work, it feels crucial I have the right support in this process.
L is suffering with allergic rhinitis and its most recent twist is painful sinuses, or is it toothache? She had an appointment with the nurse practitioner today, who pressed on her various sinuses and expressed a view it probably wasn't sinusitis, and recommended a dentist's appointment, which has now been made for Thursday. Meanwhile the earlier rhinitis symptoms seem to have receded somewhat. She's had a nasal spray and been taking antihistamines for a few weeks now with intermittent benefit. It's all very confusing, frustrating and for me there's this awful feeling of not being able to help when my partner is suffering and miserable. And she is rarely this miserable...
In better news, I'm off with a fat cheque in my hand to pay off the mortgage tomorrow, my Mum's estate having finally been distributed!!
2 comments:
I think we need to have cross days as nasty as they can be. All this brainwashing that being cross equals being not good. In the end these days can sort it out for us. But I hope you are having a better one today.
Cross is a good word, it seems to me, not because it minimises the state but because it implies it is passing, doesn't have to oppress or govern us, seems to allow us to pinpoint the discomfort...
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