Waves

Daffodils, tulips, crocuses pushing up their grey-green shoots.
You can never hold back spring. To quote the immortal Tom Waits.
My sadness washes over me in waves as I listen to Glassworks by Philip Glass, newly burned for me by K who has been here for the weekend. So beautiful.
Fire in the woodburner. Still good and light at five o'clock, a pale blue sky with fluffy white clouds and some darker ones, scattered. L in London, phoning soon.
It has been very hard at work. Sometimes I am ok, or ok enough, sometimes I'm not. Sleep is a significant factor. It is really hard to gauge and predict my emotional capacity. What is alright for me, what is alright for my clients... Difficult decisions lie ahead.

First

Back to work tomorrow to start my phased return. Two mornings this week. A day and a half next, two days the week after. Then half term. Slowly, gently, patiently, kindly.

Daffodils slowly opening in a vase on the table. The first.

Comfort You

Keep On Walking

Still here with the rescue remedy, tissues and eye drops. Actually I've finished the rescue remedy. Still here with the low music and the book in the middle of the night, but not so much of any of these. And at length a plan for returning to my job. A phased return yet. Who knew my employer could be so compassionate? Sending flowers a couple of weeks ago and letting me return gently to my challenging work starting next week.

And meanwhile it has grown cold and the weeks are rolling around to February, and all this moving forward means leaving G further behind, and sometimes I sob as I drive, cook or walk. And then stop sobbing and drive on, stir the pot, keep on walking. And so it is.

Days II

...or in the case of me and G - hours....
 

Days

So the days come and go. The sun rising over the black line of the tops each morning. I make porridge and meet another day in a world without G. A walk in my wellies through the sucking mud and the puddles. Some small task, cleaning the sink, some shopping, washing my favourite jumper. Emails to friends, and to my work to start planning my return next week. Cups of tea. And as it grows dark, lighting the fire each day in the wood burner, the crackle of the kindling, the ticking of the metal as it heats up, the warmth growing in the room. I read through the pile of notebooks where I wrote about my therapy, and feel amazed, sad, moved, filled with respect and affection - for both of us who went on that journey together... who never expected it to end like this... And the nights come and go too, when I turn on the light at 2am to read I Capture the Castle, listen to Radio 3, or REM or Portuguese Polyphony on the MP3, doze on and off through the small into the bigger hours.

Missing

It was G's funeral on Thursday. So she is gone, unmistakably, undeniably, irrefutably, irreversibly and forever. In every sense. And I am still here. Though not just yet in every sense.