The sun is warm on my back, and bright on the laptop screen, showing unforgivingly just how dirty it is. Both dusty and apparently spattered with who knows what vile liquid.
Washing on the line outside - sheet, pillow cases and duvet cover which will smell of sunshine on our bed tonight. Bluest sky. We walked down into town and back, picked up mail from the old house, visited friend E's house (she being in Tasmania), returned DVDs (Doubt, and The Secret Life of Bees) to the library, bought coffee, daffodils, rare breed pork chops, and baguettes, and L had a much-needed haircut. I saw a friend who was on her way to have a massage. I asked how she was. She said she would be much better in an hour's time. Maybe I should have a massage...
Nearly time to go to Guardian Jobs online for my first visit of the week. In a while we'll try to hang the last curtain in the kitchen. Improvised from a piece of material we've had for ages, (which just happens to go brilliantly with the colours in our kitchen), and an IKEA easy to fit curtain rod...
None of this is really what I want to say, but I want to say something rather than nothing, and it's these small everyday details that have saved me on occasion.
I want to say I just don't feel right. I try to let myself enjoy the sunshine, the daffodils, the house, the view, the air, the completely beautiful place where we live. But I just feel like weeping. I feel as though something has been stolen from me.
3 comments:
Well, it has, hasn't it? In many very real ways.
I think sometimes there's a case for 'fake it till you make it'. Go through the motions of enjoying the washing on the line, the daffodils, the blue sky, pay them their due. It's not denying any realities to do so, but a kind of gentle discipline.
Then one day you'll tentatively poke your tongue into the spot and find that at last, for today at least, there's no toothache, and you really are enjoying the view.
A mixed metaphor of platitudes, I fear.
Yes, like Lucy, I can understand this and do think you have had something stolen from you, and expect it will take some time and a lot of being good to yourself to recover.
Thanks both for your company and care on this rocky journey. I had a much better day yesterday, actually enjoying many things, in particular the fact that the sun was warm and the air really tasted of spring. Today is harder, but, I remember the hope of yesterday, and believe that life will feel good again...
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