Taste

Intermittent availability of Blogger continues. Anyone else having this trouble? Two days off one day on sort of pattern. Still this is two days on in a row, so maybe the sickness is subsiding. I try to see it as some kind of lesson in not taking things for granted.

I take things for granted all the time. I said to L I thought I took her for granted, wished I didn't. She asked what I meant. What it appeared I meant was I'm self-absorbed when I'm struggling. 'Forget' to give, to notice, to consider. Sending my attention away from myself could be a place to start curing the current ill, I'm sure. Focusing somewhere else.

I have felt for so long that I can't take in or give out as much as I would like. Look and can't properly see. Listen and can't completely hear. Read and can't absorb. Can't tune in, can't concentrate. Know that I have a lot of good stuff to contribute but often don't. Stay away, stay quiet, feel awkward. Then feel dissatisfied, as if only partly living.

What I'm noticing is that the sun is slanting into the room, highlighting the startling green of a bottle of mineral water, the liquid inside trembling as I type. Spring will come, it says, and I sense myself longing for and dreading its arrival, with its attendant demand to open and expand. No-one has been more vocal than I about winter outstaying its welcome, yet the actual taste of the early spring brings unease as well as relief.