Waiting

I'd rather almost anything than this waiting. If I don't get the job, then I don't get the job, and I'll know, and start thinking about the next one in the pipeline. But being kept in suspense like this is making me feel tense and exhausted. I think it is reminding me of various stages of the 'investigation' of the complaint made against me last November, when all I could do was wait to hear what was going to happen next, without any understanding of what might be going on. I think this 'change of circumstances' is reminding me of when there was a delay to the 'outcome' of the 'investigation', as the HR Manager decided she needed to 'look into' other matters, whatever they were. Since the complaints all hinged on the fact that I'd written the blog, and there was no doubt that I had, it was hard to know what else there was to investigate, once she'd heard my story (much good that did me). I waited another day, maybe two days while she did whatever she was doing. The final 'outcome' was the summons to the disciplinary hearing at the final stage - 'dismissal', which I received on my BlackBerry, on a bus in the dark and pouring rain in Manchester. It was an attachment and attachments are very hard to read on BlackBerries, despite a supposed 'zoom' function, so I could barely make out what it said. It was exactly the sort of thing I have nightmares about. I could see the words disciplinary, dismissal, and gross misconduct, but not the specific counts of treason I was being tried for, nor the time and place of my trial. If all this is being brought back, no wonder I feel so awful.

I'll post again when I hear...