Keep On Walking

Still here with the rescue remedy, tissues and eye drops. Actually I've finished the rescue remedy. Still here with the low music and the book in the middle of the night, but not so much of any of these. And at length a plan for returning to my job. A phased return yet. Who knew my employer could be so compassionate? Sending flowers a couple of weeks ago and letting me return gently to my challenging work starting next week.

And meanwhile it has grown cold and the weeks are rolling around to February, and all this moving forward means leaving G further behind, and sometimes I sob as I drive, cook or walk. And then stop sobbing and drive on, stir the pot, keep on walking. And so it is.

Days II

...or in the case of me and G - hours....
 

Days

So the days come and go. The sun rising over the black line of the tops each morning. I make porridge and meet another day in a world without G. A walk in my wellies through the sucking mud and the puddles. Some small task, cleaning the sink, some shopping, washing my favourite jumper. Emails to friends, and to my work to start planning my return next week. Cups of tea. And as it grows dark, lighting the fire each day in the wood burner, the crackle of the kindling, the ticking of the metal as it heats up, the warmth growing in the room. I read through the pile of notebooks where I wrote about my therapy, and feel amazed, sad, moved, filled with respect and affection - for both of us who went on that journey together... who never expected it to end like this... And the nights come and go too, when I turn on the light at 2am to read I Capture the Castle, listen to Radio 3, or REM or Portuguese Polyphony on the MP3, doze on and off through the small into the bigger hours.

Missing

It was G's funeral on Thursday. So she is gone, unmistakably, undeniably, irrefutably, irreversibly and forever. In every sense. And I am still here. Though not just yet in every sense.

Wish

I wish I didn't have to tell you this. But it's either silence or truth. My beloved therapist was murdered just over two weeks ago by her son. It is just that incomprehensible. I have not had the heart to come here but I miss you all. My relationship with G was profound and loving, and was helping me finally to heal old wounds. I don't know what else to say. Times are dark, and every night I light a candle to G. The tree glows and the fire burns bright and we know that tomorrow brings a new year. And for now that is all.

Mum

Surrounded by my mother's possessions, rug, lamp, vases, dishes, CDs, throw on the sofa, pictures, photographs, and have even been wearing her cardigan, I am comforted and discomforted in equal measure. I keep saying to L
I want my Mum back

On The Road

We are heading south today to make what we hope will be our final contribution to the clearing of my mother's flat, for which a buyer has been found. We shall return with a car full of stuff. CDs and a CD deck, books, lamps, filing cabinet containing all my mother's paperwork, a mirror, a clothes airer, a bread crock, bowls, vases and ornaments, pictures, curtains, food items, and goodness knows what else besides. Pragmatic, sad, slightly anxious, here I am, and in a couple of hours we'll be on the road. Tomorrow we'll go into London to visit my Mum for the afternoon. She has been diagnosed with early Alzheimers dementia, and I guess we're all slowly absorbing this information (except her I suspect).