Panic seizes me. I have no job (or barely), and my savings will only last another three months or so. These are some of the scary, edge-of-the-abyss type feelings I was assailed by in November and December, when it became clear I was going to be sacked over the blog, and my only option was to resign quietly. But then, in so far as I thought about it at all whilst in the grip of the more immediate panic, I thought I'd be able to get another job without too much difficulty. I always have before. Maybe it's the recession. Maybe it's the awkward recent passage of my CV, or maybe this just wasn't the right job. I have no way of knowing. What I do know is there's precious little else to apply for at the moment for an out of work adult therapist turned child therapist turned manager, who doesn't want to be a manager any more... I am thinking of retraining as a ________?
Panic is awful because it pulls the ground out from under your feet and uses words like 'never' and 'always' and 'impossible'. It paints a grey wash over everything, makes the stomach churn, makes comfort hard to draw on, collapses a sense of continuity and confidence. Writing and talking help because they ground and connect, make links between past and present and allow many possible narratives of the future.
Vapour trails have returned to our skies, and my 'boss' to these shores. Quiet has ceased to be experienced in West London parks and gardens. What a weird episode this has been. A thump on the back to wake us all up out of our strange complacency about getting to anywhere in the world within 24 hours. And feeling entitled to do so.
4 comments:
Oh, I hope the panic's passing! I'm sure your worst fears seem to anyone who knows you terribly unlikely to be realised. But somehow it's almost impossible to be so confident for oneself, isn't it? These weird times we're living through also exacerbate personal fears and anxieties, I find. Take good care of yourself.
Empathy flying in your direction, FB. I still don't get why - (all the business with your previous employer and blog) but the reasons for these things happening are often obscure. Not to say murky.
I agree with Jean re weird times.
Thanks to you both. The panic comes and goes, and the feelings of uselessness... but (obviously) I'm far from finished!! Hanging in there through this limbo is hard work.
Signs - someone dumped me in it about the blog with my employers (I'll never know why) and my employers put a rather corporate approach to 'risk management' above all other values in deciding what to do about it...
Hmmm, well the corporate approach sounds just like all the bonkeroony health and safety stuff that one hears about. And though there are all kinds of things to say about this, I guess the most hurtful thing was the fact of a particular individual taking such an action against you - presumably behind your back.
These things are ghastly. The fact that they are commonplace doesn't diminish the ghastliness. Sometimes distraction/displacement activity is the best remedy. Or at any rate moving out of the fire, away from the heat. (Note: I'm telling this to myself right now, not attempting to preach, all easier said than done).
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