Stillness, coolness, my feet in socks. No alcohol tonight for the first time in many a day, and I feel a little gain in strength from the intention and its fulfillment.
My brother has been visiting my nephew, his son today, will stay in a hotel tonight, and I imagine him lonely in the city I am coming to know rather well, looking for a place to eat. I wait for his reply to my text. I think of our boy in his temporary home, with its hard wood floors and locked doors, in the muddle his life for now has become, the muddle that starts to clear, then descends again like the rainclouds over the tops, obscuring the view.
Being at home for a few days, I feel the ground pushing up against my feet again, my rattling thoughts begin to settle. Yes, I buy chocolate now and then, succumb to Galaxy cake bars, a sucker for checkout queue temptation in the Co-op, and yes, my alcohol intake is way beyond recommended levels these last few weeks (if not today), but I am calming down a little, the knot in me unclenching just a little, the fear easing some. I try to remember wholesome ways to 'de-stress'. Need to go and look at something lovely, listen to music, lie on the floor, take long candlelit baths, have fun (remember fun?) Something in me rebels then says how can I have fun when he is in that place day after long day? but I know that getting depressed, morose, heavy is not going to help him. The question also of how to take some fun to him. He needs music, I must ask if there are restrictions on i-Pods. There are restrictions on most things. I don't want to get him one and load it with music (his having gone missing) only to find he can't listen to it. My brother just texted he is surprisingly well this evening - A nice surprise.
2 comments:
I know what you mean. After my dad died, it seemed surreal to think of ever having fun or enjoying anything again, even though that was what he lived for when he was around - having a good time.
Just the fact that your nephew is still alive, still full of promise, still with a future, is reason enough to not just have fun... celebrate!
One of the most difficult things about having children, I think, is allowing oneself to be separate from them. How can I be happy if they are suffering, is a question. But yes, adding our heaviness to theirs won't help. I remember my son when very little saying, "be happy for me" if ever he saw me low in spirits!
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