Phoenix Rising

All the summer sunshine we never had arrives now to make the frost sparkle and show us exactly how dirty our windows are. Except now it's low in the sky, making driving a squinty challenge, the sun itself in your eyes, its reflection bouncing up at you from the wet dark road surface, and it only lets you feel its warmth in very still, very sheltered situations. And it only rises over Cock Hill after eight o'clock and disappears away behind Mitchell Brothers' Mill before half past four.

It is a difficult time of the year. Ice and darkness, the cold, the possibility of snow and the chaos it can bring. And then all the seasonal illnesses that are coursing about the valley, one landing in the usually healthy body of L, now in bed knitting and listening to the radio for the fourth day. Nameless virus, making her cough and feel weary, making her brain mushy and her spirits low. I make cups of tea, hot water bottles and hot meals (she hasn't lost her appetite).

I'm busy leaving one job and anticipating starting another. A meeting at the school tomorrow. Fog forecast, yet another seasonal driving hazard. I shall be glad to return to make the whole thing more real, meet my manager and new colleagues properly away from the tension of the interview. And get some initial questions answered. Then another three weeks til I actually start. What this job means after three years living hand to mouth, slowly building back my confidence, slowly rising from the ashes of the horrible-corporate-style-charity job and what those fools did to me, what it means is gradually sinking in at all levels. Has not been lost on the small and frightened child inside me, who has been back-flipping into freak-out and fury at the prospect of taking so much responsibility, of growth and challenge and change, and going further away (literally and metaphorically) from the safety of home. Yes there are still hot embers amongst the ashes. Gradually managing to soothe her, and to let her know that though she was frightened once, she does not need to be frightened now. Though she felt the world could never be good again, in fact I mean to show her that it can, and will hold her in my heart, while I do the grown-up stuff, the driving and the working and the being responsible and bring her out to have fun together when I can.